A Chronicle of my Changing Times.

 Joyful, Joyful

There is joy in Mudville tonight!  The time in purgatory, er... The Bank is now over.  Let the rest of my life begin.

Oh, and now (thanks to Howard's pointing it out) I have a RSS feed.  All ya'll (which I learned is the plural of ya'll) know what a RSS feed is, right? 

Edited to add:  The RSS 2.0 is here and ATOM feed is here.  After 30 minutes of looking in the help section I still don't know how to get a button on my left column for them, and honestly I'm too tired right now to do it.

Posted by: mjmarble at March 31, 2005 23:44 | link | comments

Being Next

One of my favorite feelings in the world is ‘being next’.  I remember going to Cedar Point (quite simply the best amusement park in the world) growing up and having to wait for hours in endless snaking lines for just about every rollercoaster there.  At the end of a 90 minute wait I would be standing up on the platform with no one in front of me knowing I was going to be the next one onto the ride.  That brought me almost as much joy as riding the “tallest, fastest, and steepest” whatever was out there.

I see it in other aspects of my life.  There’s something to be said about the ever so sweet place of being next.  When I pull up to a stoplight, I usually don’t bemoan having to stop, as long as I’m the up front and the very first person to go when the light changes.  I actually get excited when I’m told on some customer service lines that I am the next one to be served (as opposed to have 5 people in front of me).  This also applies to cusp of something different.  I’ve had this feeling in the past when moving as I am just about to pull away from my old abode.

And tonight I’m having this feeling again. 

Tomorrow is my last day with the bank.  There is only before the bank and after the bank for me now.  This is a major stepping stone for me, for whilst I’ve done many things in the past to prepare and head towards Peace Corps – this is the first completely irreversible step I’m taking.  I’ll never walk across the gangplank (as I like to call it) between the parking deck and my building.  I’ve dreamt of this day since just about my first day there over five years ago.  It’s a wonderful, wonderful feeling and I’m soaking up every moment of it that I can.

And then there’s also news about Peace Corps since I last wrote.  I received a call yesterday at work from a man by the name of Larry Hendrix.  Larry is a compliance officer at my bank which means he basically oversees brokerage departments to insure that they are in compliance with NASD, SEC and other Federal regulations.  Basically, he’s there to make sure all the brokers are being honest.  As you can only imagine, this makes him enormously popular with just about everyone with which he has to work.  Larry worked with my brother-in-law Dan before Dan came over to the dark side a few months ago and became a branch broker himself.

So around noon I get a call on my back personal line from Larry which went something like this…

“Hello, this is Michael.” Questioning who has this number.

“This is Larry, your compliance officer.”  I had met him ever so briefly a few months ago.  “Have you spoken with your brother-in-law Dan within the last hour?”

“Umm…. No?” I respond sheepishly trying to rack my brain as to what Dan could have done that could possibly get me fired with only 2.5 days left.

“Well….”  Children are conceived, born, and have teeth before he finishes.  “My daughter is going Bulgaria with the Peace Corps in April.  I understand that you’re going as well?”

I honestly don’t remember the rest of the conversation as I tried to wrap my mind around what he was saying.  There are roughly 45 Invitees in my group.  What are the odds that one of them comes from the Charlotte area?  Even more, what are the odds that one would live within 5 minutes of me?  Even beyond that, what are the odds that said person would be a mere 2^nd degree separated from me in real life or that her father would oversee my department?  I am still blown away by this.

So I called and spoke with her for over 2 hours last night, and we get along rather well.  She, too, quits her job tomorrow.  We’ll be having breakfast/lunch on Monday.  And it looks like I’ll be starting this sojourn a leg up on many by actually meeting face to face someone serving in my group. 

I consider myself lucky.  Not only do I get to meet Mickey, Larry’s daughter, but I’ve also begun to form friendships with other invitees including Melody and Sarah, which can only help as this leap of faith I’m about to take.

I’m up to the edge of the cliff.  It looks like I’m next.

 

 

Posted by: mjmarble at March 30, 2005 23:52 | link | comments (1)

Wrestling for One

For those of you who know me personally, you know that I hold my faith tightly to myself.  I oft have stated that fact that Jesus lived, died and rose again is as real to me as George Washington being the first President of the United States .  It is something I have grown up with – it just is.  I consider myself blessed in a way since I haven’t had to fight with doubts that this could or did occur.  Unfortunately, this foundation raises other problems that assail my heart and mind.

I speak repeatedly in this blog about how being so close to PC has led me to feel like I live in two conflicting worlds.  This has made me take note of the world around me in many ways.  I’ve delved into many of the foundations of myself recently due to this.  Yet none compare to the consideration I have paid to this topic for years now – and most likely will continue to confer upon it.  I have long felt of two worlds with it.
 

I want to live that fun life - the one where I go out and get shit faced drunk and pick up the girl.  Or the one where I tell my youth group kids the joke about the difference between blondes and mosquito’s.  I want to look for the latest adult thriller-drama in the theater just to see things/people blow up and have people screw love in favor of physical attraction.  I like fast paced witty banter that puts people down; and with the right people I’m rather good at it.  I really enjoy blowing my money on pointless things for myself I forget later the day I bought them.  I freely admit I will read up on my Indians or the latest news before I’ll ever check out a daily devotional.  I curse up a storm on a regular basis.  I love good music and am steadfastly convinced that the Christian station doesn’t play any but the other 8 pop/rock/oldies/etc stations I have preset on my car radio do.  I want to travel and see the riches and wonders this world has to offer.
 

But I also want a gaze so fixated on God that nothing else matters.  I want my heart to no longer be heavy with those daily failings and distractions of my life.  I take great joy that the youth in Sunday School found some meaning to apply to their lives from the weekly lesson – that they are combating the ways of the world whilst striving to the way Jesus taught us to be.  When I pray honestly on a nightly basis my life seems more peaceful and ordered.  When I truly turn things over to Him, I suddenly find myself where I need to be.  It bothers me that I’m self conscious when I manage to say grace in restaurants.  Why is it that I find myself worrying about what people think of me when I should be more concerned with what God thinks of me?  I yearn for someone to pray for and with me about things that truly matter in this life.  And I hold dearly to those times when I could genuinely feel God’s presence with me.

What can I do with these seemingly polar opposite attractions?  The Bible teaches that a servant cannot serve two masters, rather he will end up loving one and hating the other.  If I am a Christian, then I should be one fully and unabashedly.  Yet I can’t seem to do that.  And a large part of me doesn’t want that.  My standard of faith does not allow for compromise or half hearted efforts.  Yet that is what I seem to offer up on a consistent basis.  Yet on the opposite side I’m not wholly into the secular either – always seemingly slightly adrift from it, never quite meshing.  Whilst accepting many worldly things and views I can never support or embrace them.

Where does this leave me?  I’m living two lives, all the time never living either.  Rarely in my life have I not known the answer or what to do, yet more times then naught I end up choosing the wrong path.  If nothing else, one of these lives overtly demands compliance.  Yet the other woos me.  My faith is like waves waxing to a crest and then waning into a shallow.

And as much as I’ve struggled with my faith of late, I feel like I’ve done so in a completely cerebral manner, lacking conviction of my heart.  In truth, there’s always been an aspect of my conviction that is drawn to the academic aspects of religion.  Yet in the past I have lived my soul crying out in sincere longing and I wept.  Now I write about it in what one friend will probably describe as a cold passionless prose.  So what do I do other than think about it on a regular basis?  At the same time I can see that I’m being overtly tempted in one of my weakest spots.  This temptation is so obtuse in its approach as to be laughable if it were not so effective.

So I continue on objectively analyzing my faith in God; all the while being drawn and desiring other things.  If you’re of the heart and mind, please say a prayer for me.  This is something that goes well past any short/mid term goals I hope to achieve.  

And right now I believe I need help. 

 

Posted by: mjmarble at March 28, 2005 23:59 | link | comments (2)

 

Remember These Things…

 

Today is, of course, Easter.  This year it holds significance for me in that it’s the last major holiday that I’ll spend here in the States with my family whilst also being the first major holiday I’ll spend in Bulgaria.  How’s that?  Well, since Bulgaria is an Orthodox country, they follow a different church calendar then we do in the Latin West.  Consequentially, Easter is the first weekend in May – which also follows the Jewish holiday of Passover.  I have to think that maybe the Orthodox get this one right.

 

Regardless, I spent the majority of the day with family soaking up as many memories that I could to carry with me.  Now that might sound overly dramatic, but for someone who is very close with his family, it really is something to consider.  This is especially true considering the fact that I might try to go to Grad School in Europe when I’m finished in PC.  The days of easy family holidays are over for me.

 

In truth, I haven’t been looking forward to this double Easter this year.  A few years back, I decided to take this day as one of remembrance of a few of the things I did wrong in the past.  I’m not going into detail here, but I will say that it’s the one day of the year I allow myself to really get down about certain things – and for whatever reason, this year it’s really hit me hard.  I know it’s important to forgive for the mistakes of the past.  I truly try to do this, but I also feel the need to remember certain ones.  My problem lies in drawing the line between remembering and drop kicking myself over it.  I swear it’s not so fine a line that I too often miss. 

 

I need to get over it as I approach my final four days of my job at the bank.  There’s little time to be down on oneself.  Already I can see the value of that time increasing exponentially.  This is as it should be – I just need to make sure I’m putting my time to good use.

 

One thing I am glad I used my time for was going out last night to wish a pair of friends well as they move to Washington DC.  Dan & Jocelyn are friends of Sean, my closest friend in town.  Dan, who passed the Bar Exam this past year, was having trouble finding a position at any of the law firms in town.  So on a recommendation from a friend he went up to DC to interview for a contract job with a firm up there.  Well, as it turns out he’s been up there with one contract job after another.  I’m going to miss the two of them even though I wouldn’t say we were all that close.  Dan is a man after my own heart, always willing to discuss and debate politics.  And given the fact that he’s Canadian/British by birth gives him a different perspective on many things.  And Jocelyn is no slouch either since she’s worked for Ralph Nadar and also for Tony Blair’s campaign.  I may not agree with them on everything, but lively intelligent discourse is something I always embrace.  It is good to note that they have offered their home as a place to stay should I ever be in transition in DC.  I’ll have to remember that… well that and the fact that Dan’s uncle is the head Horse Trainer for Buckingham Palace in London and that’s where he stays (on the freakin’ Royal grounds) when in London.  They’ve promised to drop me an email should they head to London whilst I’m over in Bulgaria.  How cool would that be?

 

Another thing I need to remember is to watch myself.  I placed myself in a very awkward position over the last day or so by opening my big fat mouth when I should not have to some PCV’s over in Bulgaria.  I assumed certain friendly dynamics between certain PCV’s that I should not have since I have yet to truly meet any of them.  I ended up creating a potentially difficult situation for someone I was beginning to think of as a friend.  I just hope that I haven’t betrayed her trust and that she feels she can still confide in me.  I notified her straightaway of my error, so we’ll see.  I’ve done my best and now the ball is in her court, so to speak.

 

Finally, as a way to drive home what this is all about, I finally received my staging packet today in the mail.  I’m definitely headed to Chicago on April 22, and as of 3pm local I am PC’s to do with what they please.  The packet is rather detailed in the way that I truly appreciate.  Tomorrow I call SATO travel to arrange my flights up there.  Tonight I’m going to call Brian to see if he wants to try and get together before staging starts.  I also need to sit down with my parents to schedule this upcoming month.  I have plenty to do which will require their presence including getting a will and living will drawn up, and also granting my mom Power of Attorney over my accounts.

 

So there’s plenty to contemplate and remember in my life right now.  I’m sure this will be the norm going forward.  Happy Easter everyone.

 

Posted by: mjmarble at March 27, 2005 21:47 | link | comments (1)

 Quick hits

First off, the here's the website to download music cheaply I mentioned yesterday.  It is Russian, which makes me nervous since you have to provide your credit card number (there are alternate payments if you want to call Mother Russia - not!).  But I guess there's some sort of law in the country which allows them to pay whatever they feel is appropriate to the record companies and artists.  Yeah, we'll see how long this lasts.  They do have a rather extensive listing of songs and are adding a ton more every day.  I have a friend who swears by it, so who knows.  Someone try it out for me and report back on how it goes.

Second, I go ahead and add pictures to my blog and nary one person makes a comment.  I have to say, I'm rather disappointed.  Can everyone see them?  I know I had problems innitially with them showing up in Internet Explorer  - which is just another reason to switch over to Firefox.

Well, that's it for tonight.  I'm off to bed.  Yes, before midnight for once.  Although I do have to make lunch beforehand...

Posted by: mjmarble at March 22, 2005 23:31 | link | comments (3)