A Chronicle of my Changing Times.

Have you ever seen a movie that just struck a cord in you? Usually I'm a sucker for epic dramas. Make it historical and I'm there even if the dang thing is 8 hours long. This past weekend I decided to break down and rent a flick or two from Blockbuster as a way to catch up on some films that I'd missed in the theaters over the past year or so. I got Open Range with Kevin Costner, Intolerable Cruelty with Catherine Zeta-Jones (who may be just about the most beautiful woman I've ever seen), and Under the Tuscan Sun with Diane Lane proving yet again that its possible to become more attractive as you get older.

As anyone who knows me could guess, Under the Tuscan Sun was the one which struck a cord. Having been through Tuscany but once in my life I've developed a deep and abiding love affair with it in my mind. I plan on retiring there. It has just about everything I could ever want - rolling hills, history upon history, aesthetic architectural beauty beyond compare, food that will make love to your mouth, wine with every meal, warm open people, festivals full of color and meaning, temperate weather, etc, etc, etc.... So the mere fact that this movie was based there and I didn't make see it in the theaters was shocking by itself.

But whilst watching the movie I found myself not just enamoured with the visuals but also with the story itself. It was as pleasant and surprising as finding an undeniably attractive woman whom more beautiful in spirit and temperament. The bare bones of the tale is one of a writer/professor/critic who has her life destroyed by a divorce. Her best friend tells her that she is worried she may never recover, that there one comes to a point where they can turn right or left - one that will lead to recovery and joy the other to despair and emptiness. Said friend buys her a romantic tour of Tuscany with a gay tour so that she wouldn't be hit on. At one stop she rather impulsively buys a dilapidated villa. And with that she begins rebuilding her life, just as the home she has bought is rebuilt. As often as not, it appears that for every step forward she takes one back. But with every obstacle put in front of her she begins healing although never seeing it. This leads to endless frustration and she vents and shouts but always presses on. And suddenly she looks around and everything she ever wanted was there - and she was living it all. Maybe not the way she envisioned it, but it was there...

Not to trivialize my life, but ya'll know I often draw parallels to movies to prove points with everyone. I see myself having come to that point of choosing right or left and I made a decision. And as I work, fight, complain and moan I struggle forward - sometimes making marked steps forward, at others I seemingly falling behind. I think that this place sees many of my rants. I hope that I will continue to push, working on all those tasks which stand before me, some which have held me back, and listen and gain from occasional wisdom. Maybe I'll suddenly look about and see that everything I've ever wanted is with me...

One can dream, no?

Posted by: mjmarble at April 20, 2004 05:37 | link | comments (4)

There's an article on Open Democracy in which a reporter/aid worker got into Falluja, Iraq last weekend and reports on what the conditions are like there. I don't know if ya'll are for or against the war (and yes, let's still call it a war ) but I think it's important to keep a tab on what's really going on over there, not just what our nightly national news decides to show us. There are lots of perspectives.

Personally, I was for going in (and still am) and of course I support our troops (who doesn't?) but this situation is getting exponentially more complicated by the day and I don't see it getting any better. I'm worried... This detail and intricacy seems greatly lost on what the administration is feeding us. And let's not forget that this is totally different, despite the White House's protests to the contrary, than the War on Terror and all that's going (or not going) on around the world.

And just how will all this play out in the Presidential Race? Because America is all that matters, right? Whatever.

Yeah, this is the stuff that winds my clock and gets me up in the morning. It's why I want to do Peace Corps, go to graduate school and pursue a career in this.

**The links listed are just an example of what I spend my day reading up on...

Posted by: mjmarble at April 16, 2004 00:16 | link | comments

IT IS FINISHED

Simply put, my Peace Corps application is done. **Insert a Choir singing a Hallelujah verse** About 2am this morning I finished it up. Also, due to reference requirements, I had to tell my supervisor at work that I had applied and "Would you mind being a reference". That went fairly well... As well as I guess it could. I still didn't like tipping my hand. Oh well...

Took a test for Macro today which I think I did horribly on. I'm a bit nervous about it. It might have something to do with me being exhausted. My tax filing will have to wait until tomorrow night....

Posted by: mjmarble at April 13, 2004 22:35 | link | comments

My sister and Jenna stopped by this afternoon. I was amazed by how big Jenna is getting. I never could appriciate how people always said kids change on a daily basis until my sister had Jenna. You have to understand I only see my niece every 10 days or so which might be why I can see changes so often. Last time I saw her I noticed how tall she was getting. This time I noticed she'd chunked up a bit since I last saw her which tells me that there's a growth spurt just waiting to happen...

So I'm sitting there muching on some Pringles and Chris told me to put two of them together to make a duck bill. It seems Jenna just loves ducks and the color yellow in general. So I put one on top of the other, stick them in my mouth and start making quacking noises. Now I must admit I do a rather good duck impression, for what it's worth. From across the room Jenna perks up and looks over at me in complete confusion. Her forhead wrinkles up, her eyes grow as big as saucers, and her bottom lip juts out and begins to quiver. She let out a terrific scream as the tears began rolling down her cheeks. Let's just say it'll be a year or so before we try that trick again...

But I managed to make up for it. As I mentioned I was eating Pringles as part of my lunch. Well once I'd finished, I grabbed a Swiss cake roll for desert. I took this opportunity to make up for the duck incident (let her therapist deal with that one 30 years from now), and broke off a small piece or two to let her try. My hope is that any long term mental damage I did with my "bill" was more than made up for introducing chocolate to her. Once again I am her favorite uncle and all is right in the world. Once I manage to open an Ofoto account I'll post some pictures of her.

Posted by: mjmarble at April 10, 2004 22:15 | link | comments

I took a mental health day on Friday. I'd been attempting to take one for about 2 weeks unsuccessfully.  I obviously wanted to take a day that wouldn't be too disadvantageous with regards to work, since a significant part of my income is based upon commmisions.  So the 2nd, being the first Friday of the new month, afforded me a chance to sleep in, sit back and not really do anything.  Of course the original plans called for a productive day running errands and working on my application to Peace Corp, but we all know me better by now.  I did manage to run one errand - getting my oil changed.  Whilst I've managed to avoid buying any more packs of cigarettes I've still been on the one a day diet for the last few days.  I've begun to realize that this is elongating my withdrawl symptoms - which generally sucks arse. 

So Saturday comes, and it's going to be a big day for me to get this damnable Application done with.  I attend class this morning, come home with hopes of a productive day and.... blech.  Nada.  I swear I need to simply give the Risk CD to someone to hide from me.  It's too tempting not to play.  The afternoon comes and goes.  I wrote my dad a check for the rent/internet they needed.  I played with Jenna a bit (still meaning to get those pics up).  I went out to dinner with my parents and grandmother to Bob Evans and had my usual sans the dinner rolls ya'll know I so desperately love.  I just have to keep reminding myself that it's less than a week until Lent is over.  I decided to pick up the check at dinner since I feel guilty mooching off everyone all the time.  I'm sure I don't, it just feels that way sometimes.  Plus with my father still out of work I know things are getting tight.  Extrodinarily tight.  It's been over 2 years since he's worked.  For any of you out there who pray, please keep him in your prayers.

What this all leads me up to is the sense of futility I sometimes get.  I know I'm making forward progress.  My application is really only about 2-3 hrs away from completion.  I'm taking and succeeding at the econ courses at UNCC.  My spending has been curbed a bit yet again.  I have cut back severely, if not quit, smoking.  I began working out again this week.

Human nature tends to focus on the negative sometimes.  All I see is the potential that is not being done.  The hours that could be used more productively.  The money spent on dinner that could go to my friend.  My big belly every time I walk in front of a mirror.  The fact I feel alone.  The Peace Corp application which still is not complete.  I know that this is all a struggle to remake myself and that there will be steps forward and backwards - but damnit I just want it to be over.  I don't want to have to worry about calling Leslie at the elementary school to confirm my volunteering this Thursday.  I don't want to have to dread not having this PC done yet.  I don't want to go in to a job I hate every day.  I want my friends to be close enough I can ask one of them to go to the Sting/Annie Lenox concert in September.  I don't want to have to worry about the money it'll cost to go to the Sting/Annie Lenox concert.  I want to be able to plan on going outwest to see James and not have to look forward to it being still 3 months away.  I don't want to try and figure out if I can afford to go to NYC this September for TARCon.  I want to do something important with my life.  I want to be in an environment where people love to converse and debate the issues I find facinating.  I don't want to be in a place I'm convinced my future wife is not.  I don't want to feel guilty all the time for not getting more done - for not being further along with my life. 

We all have imaginary lives in our head (or at least I do).  I want to be living it, not dreaming about it.

Posted by: mjmarble at April 04, 2004 02:05 | link | comments (2)